Behind Blue Eyes
by Northstar
Summary: Little songfic I wrote. It's Heero's POV, as he reflects back on the events that brought him to where he is today, and tries to find meaning in his life.


Author's Note: I've been wanting to write this fic for a long time now, the idea first came to me a few months back, but I ha

Author's Note:I've been wanting to write this fic for a long time now, the idea first came to me a few months back, but I hadn't had time to write it until now. Hope ya like!

Disclaimer:I do not own Gundam Wing.The lyrics to the song "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who are used without permission, and I have nothing to gain financially from this.

Rating: PG

BEHIND BLUE EYES 

** **

** **

It was nearly sunset, as the waves lapped against the shore. The sky was a glorious mixture of soft pink, orange, and crimson hues.A young man slowly strolled down the shoreline, leaving a long trail of footprints in the sand. For the most part he had come here to be alone, to gather up his thoughts, and reflect back on the events that had made him the person he was today. When his legs became weary and wouldcarry him no longer, he stopped and stood facing the horizon.He brought his hand up and brushed it through his spikey, brown locks.Heero Yuy slowly brought his gaze down.He was not looking at anything in particular, merely staring at the gentle foaming tide as it washed away the remaining footprints in the sand.

No one knows what it's like 

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes_

_ _

Heero had always felt as though he did not belong.As a young child he had been trained to be the Perfect Soldier.All his life, he knew nothing but death and destruction. Sometimes he wanted companionship, someone to talk to or share his feelings with, but he knew as long as he was a Gundam pilot, that could never be. Thus he would forever be cursed with loneliness and no matter which side he fought on, one way or another he would always be the enemy.

No one knows what it's like 

_To be hated_

_To be fated_

_To telling only lies_

_ _

The longer Heero stood there, watching the horizon the more he pondered.Many people had despised him, it was only natural, he thought. He had killed so many. Among the ones that considered themselves to be his so-called friends, Heero found it difficult to be truthful about his past.To this day, because of what Doctor J. had instilled in him, Heero still never revealed to anyone his true name.In the life of a Gundam pilot there were many secrets, there had to be. The young man felt that it was only destiny. He had already been told before that he was responsible for the safety of the colonies because it was not right for innocent people to get involved in such affairs. Strange, he thought, had he ever been innocent?Without his consent, the five Gundam scientists had already chosen his path for him.

But my dreams, they aren't as empty 

_As my conscience seems to be_

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance, that's never free_

_ _

In his heart, Heero knew he was doing the right thing.It was his way of making amends for all the pain and suffering he caused.At that moment he was reminded of a small girl and her puppy. He had never meant for things to happen the way they did. He felt remorse, he felt sorrow, but he could never undo what the scientists had done to him.He was brainwashed into thinking that his life was unimportant, and so this is what he sacrificed to attain peace for the colonies and for earth…his humanity.

No one knows what it's like 

_To feel these feelings, like I do_

_And I blame you_

_ _

Heero clenched his fist and stared off into the setting sun. He no longer wanted to be oppressed by his feelings.All of his bitter hatred, regrets, and hours of forlorn longing were all the direct result of one man.He blamed everything on Doctor J. Had he never met that old man, he would have never had innocent blood on his hands. Perhaps he would have been a kinder person, more in tune with the feelings of others, instead of being the cold-hearted puppet that he was.That was another thing that angered Heero.He was just a pawn in the scientists game, no, he corrected, in life's game. Never allowed to think for himself, only instructed to complete missions.

No one bites back as hard on their anger 

_None of my pain and woe can show through_

_ _

After the incident with the little girl, they had retrained Heero.They wanted a more perfect soldier. One who would not let his emotions get in the way of the mission.According to the doctors, that was Heero's first mistake, so eventually they fixed it. Heero was reminded of the first time he had met Duo, after the American pilot had helped him escape the hospital. He had much difficulty understanding the happy-go-lucky pilot, and an even more difficult time conversing with him. That broken leg had been terribly painful, but Heero could not stop to complain. He was Doctor J's machine, and when machines break down, you fix them and continue on, which is exactly what he did.

But my dreams, they aren't as empty 

_As my conscience seems to be_

_I have hours, only lonely_

_My love is vengeance, that's never free_

_ _

Sometimes he felt as though he were fighting for a lost cause. A few times he even questioned whether mankind could live under peaceful terms. Were they meant to? Was he meant to? These were questions that Heero could and probably would never answer. A thousand times he had thought that if he could possibly sever the ties that bound him to his mercenary life style, maybe, just maybe he would be able to start life anew.The thoughts only served to make him shudder though. It was thinking like that that had gotten this whole war started. If the colonies hadn't wanted to sever their ties with the earth, perhaps none of this would be happening. Quite often he wondered if there was any kindness left in the world at all.

When my fist clenches, crack it open, before I use it and lose my cool 

_When I smile, tell me some bad news, before I laugh and act like a fool_

_And if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat_

_And if I shiver, please give me a blanket, keep me warm, let me wear your coat_

_ _

Heero began to make his way back up the beach. The sun had sank behind the horizon long ago. Surely there was some compassion left in this world, though none for him, he imagined.Heero came to a flight of steps and reached out for the hand rail. He paused and looked down at the concrete steps, then averted his gaze to the water again. Yes. There had to be something left worth fighting for.His mind flashbacked to the images of Relena Peacecraft, when she had found him on this very beach.Her views went undaunted, a true Pacifist till the bitter end, he mused.Her fight for peace was steadfast, and deep down, Heero knew that she was one of the few who cared whether he lived or perished. Quatre Winner was another, like Relena he had always hated the idea of war. In fact, Heero could now see a reason to keep fighting the endless battle.The other Gundam pilots; Trowa who had taken care of him while he was on the verge of death, Duo whose passion for the fight and whose true, unconditional friendship Heero could count on, and even Wufei, who seemed as though his entire existence depended on the battlefield…these were the people he fought the war with, these were the ones he fought it for. Because their spirits were undying, so his was as well.

No one knows what it's like 

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes_

_ _

Despite the conclusions that Heero had come to, he still felt as though he was the only one who could not go back to leading a normal life, if the war ever ended.He had never had a normal life. Maybe, with the help of his "friends," Heero paused in mid-thought. It was weird, this idea of "friends."Anyhow, perhaps with his friends, he might possibly be able to recover that part of humanity that was lost…taken from him, and in time he just might feel human again.

End.

Northstar: Ack! For some reason once I finished this fic, I started to have doubts about why I even wrote it. It lacks the appeal it once had from me, but anyways, maybe someone out there will enjoy it. R+R please, lol, before I change my mind and take it down.


End file.
